I'm Invincible...

This year has been a weird one. I've had some of the lowest lows and some of the highest highs. The first couple months of this year sucked, but I've gotten over it in the last few months. One thing that has gotten me through the rough times is music. I love metal. But the last couple months or so, I've been listening to Machine Gun Kelly a lot. I'm not a huge rap fan, but something about him draws me to his music. He has a song called Invincible, and for some reason this song just inspires me, as corny as that sounds. The song has been out for awhile, but he just put out a video for it. I watched it at the gym, and it was one of those moments where it just made me think. Instead of being negative all the time, I should be thinking positive and looking at life like I am invincible. Why should I let shit bring me down, when it should be fueling my fire to succeed. I am honestly happy right now and thinking clearly for the first time in awhile. I want nothing more than to just be able to be happy and enjoy my life. I'm finally getting my ass in gear and taking care of some stuff that needs taking care of. Hopefully, after I get that taken care of, I can get my finances in order and get my own place. I started hanging out with an old friend recently and she has kinda helped me get through this. Just by telling me to get shit done and to think positive instead of being negative all the time. Plus I've met some pretty awesome other friends through her. :) As I was saying, music is a big deal in my life. I don't play any instruments, but just being able to put on my headphones and get away for a little while is great. Going to the gym is another thing I have come to enjoy immensely. It has become kinda like my sanctuary. A place I can go to let out my stress and just get away from my life for a little bit. I've lost about 30 lbs or so since starting to go, and I feel great about that. Now if I could only learn to eat like an adult and not like "a 12 year old with a marijuana problem" as a friend said, lol. The gym is such an amazing place to be at. You can just escape, and I've kinda gotten over having to see old man balls every once in awhile. But besides that, it is a place that I thoroughly enjoy being at. Even if it's only for half an hour or so. Just letting my mind be free and not have to think about anything except how many reps I've done. One thing that I felt has always been a set back for me is how shy I am. But it seems like lately I've been a little more open with certain people. Again, old friend and new ones that I've been hanging out with. I'm normally super shy around girls, but I feel oddly comfortable around them, which is weird for me. I actually enjoy hanging out with them, even though it's a two hour drive to visit. Getting away for a day or so is really good and gets me out of my little comfort zone. That has probably been the biggest help. I don't normally like change, but I've been realizing lately that maybe change can be good. Especially when that change means I get to hang out with a couple pretty ladies. :) Well, that is all for now. If you have a chance check out some of Machine Gun Kelly's music. I realize that he's not for everyone, but maybe someone else will be inspired by his music as well. If not him, maybe another artist. Each person takes inspiration from different things, and it was just MGK's lyrics and message that kinda drew me to him.

Sometimes all you need is a hug...

When you've been with someone for close to 10 years, its truly heartbreaking when they tell you they don't want to be with you anymore. At first it's like a kick in the balls, but then it turns into an empty feeling. The second part is so much worse. The pain of heartbreak is temporary, but then you start to yearn for that closeness. Holding someone's hand, getting a hug, cuddling while watching a movie. You get over the initial pain, but the emptiness fucking sucks. There is a song by Stacie Orrico, or however you spell it, and it has a lyric "there's got to be more to life then chasing down every temporary high." I've come to realize that I've been chasing that high the last couple years. Buying a bunch of crap I don't need on credit cuz I like having things, even if it means I'm in a stupid amount of debt. But recently I've really been doing it. From spending $300 at ComiCon, to spending another $200 on heroclix, and putting off bills. Some of the highs were good though. Like getting up the nerve to talk to someone in person, instead of just on Facebook. Or finding out that someone you don't get to see very often is coming to visit. But even those fade and you're left with the realization that your in a marriage that is all but over and on the brink of bankruptcy. I find it a lot easier to convey my thoughts and feelings on here or Facebook. I've never been good at talking to people, especially those I don't know well. Guys are easier to talk to, but girls are so hard for me, especially if they are attractive. But I guess that's something I'm gonna have to get over, cus I can't meet every girl online :-) Well, I could, but maybe let's try something different this time. I have found the one place I can escape all this is the gym. It's easy to just put on some music and zone out. There are still distractions, but these ones I don't mind all too much. It's funny, whenever I do one of the I always end up in a way better mood than when I started, so I guess that's good. It always makes me feel better to get my thoughts out of my head and onto something, even if no one reads it. One thing that will always remain true about me is that I love me. I love my negative, shitty attitude cuz it makes the good times seem so.much better. I love where I'm from and how I was raised. Hell, I even love that my dad left when I was young, cuz my mom prbably did a better job raising me than he ever could have. But most of all, I just love life, but sometimes I just really need a hug.